


Message of the Gone You

by EthelPhantom



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Confessions, Feelings, Flashbacks, Gen, M/M, Post-Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion R2, Post-Zero Requiem, Zero Requiem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-24 05:44:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20700902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthelPhantom/pseuds/EthelPhantom
Summary: Suzaku finally breaks under the pain he's suppressed for longer than he should have.





	Message of the Gone You

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Message (The Gone You)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16336232) by [EthelPhantom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthelPhantom/pseuds/EthelPhantom). 

> This is a rewritten work. The original is mine as well, of course, but I just wanted you to know. It was actually my first CG fic ever, while this here is written 11 months later with me having a lot more experience writing these children. I at least think it's much better now, if only because the paragraphs were way too long in the original version.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this.

“If only… if only we hadn’t tried to obtain it all this wouldn’t have happened…”, Suzaku muttered, watching the two bare graves. The carved writings on them were the only thing there was — no one had brought them flowers. Suzaku couldn’t bring them flowers either. “Suzaku Kururugi, the Knight of Zero”, read the other. The one next to it said “Lelouch vi Britannia, the 99th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire.” 

It was a wonder only Nunnally could have brought about, that both of them had gotten graves this neutral, especially Lelouch, whose grave had no mention of being called a demon. 

oOoOo

_ He pulled the sword out of his friend’s chest and watched him take a few steps towards the edge of the platform where his throne was placed. He stepped too far, just over the edge. He fell down and slid down the ramp, leaving a trail of crimson blood on it. _

_ The noise was deafening, but even over it Suzaku could hear Cornelia yelling that Lelouch the Demon was now finally dead, and that his prisoners should be freed. The crowds cheered as they chanted Zero’s name.  _

_ Suzaku could only barely keep his composure. All he wanted was to break down and scream and cry for his best friend, inform the world of its saviour’s anguish. After all, he had now lost his best friend who, even if he was also his worst enemy, was Suzaku’s most beloved person. The last of those he loved who’d remained alive, and now that too was ripped away from his hands. _

_ He didn’t know which was worse; living as Zero until the day he died, never able to be Kururugi Suzaku again, or if having lost his best friend who’d also killed Euphie with his own hands and ordered so many others to be killed topped that. He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Maybe both were just as bad — and regardless of which was more horrible, both of those possibilities had been sealed as the truth in the last few minutes.  _

_ A silent, tearful whisper of “If not for your plan, I wouldn’t be watching you fall down slowly dying, and you wouldn’t be now gone” left his lips. His words were weak, only barely said. Tears stained Suzaku’s cheeks but still he stood up proud, as though he hadn’t just killed the one held the most dear. He tried to smile to keep himself in pieces, at least for a little while longer, but it was faltering. _

_ Nunnally’s gut-wrenching cries echoed in his ears. Suzaku knew the girl had understood her brother’s self-destructive plan. She was never supposed to understand, but both Lelouch and Suzaku had undermined her capability of it when it came to her brother.  _

_ But Lelouch? Lelouch would smile. He would smile, now that he had finally been able to destroy the oh, so cruel world that had treated all three of them so horribly simply because of who they were, especially Nunnally and Suzaku. Lelouch had created it anew, ridding it of the evil he’d dragged away with him to hell.  _

_ Even so, Suzaku knew that that smile would not be one of a happy person, but rather the smile of a person who’d sacrificed his everything and turned the world into a place where his loved ones could live happily and in peace.  _

_ “Big brother…? No… You mean…everything you’ve done until now? Big brother! I love you!” Nunnally’s cries were impossible to ignore and they broke Suzaku’s heart. No one else seemed to notice how cruel it was, how she grieved — no, they were cheering for the death of the weeping girl’s brother.  _

oOoOo

“You were the one whose downfall I would have watched, trusting you to get up again, weren’t you? Then why aren't you here anymore?”, he asked the grave before his eyes and let the light rain soak his clothes. He was talking as if there was a possibility of hearing Lelouch’s voice answer him. “And… I was the one whose name you would have stained, clearing it for me once again… And yet, you did it by making me lose you… Why…?”

His voice cracked as he spoke, the pain finally catching up with him. Suzaku fell down to his knees and he clutched the sword’s handle in his hands as he broke down crying. “You were the one I was supposed to be with from that moment on through the eternity! So, why are you gone?!” 

The small white flower he’d brought with him for the grave fell down next to him. He knew he shouldn’t have, but he’d needed to. A yarrow.

Suzaku couldn’t accept the loss after all they had gone through. His tears burnt in his eyes, they felt hot on his cheeks as they flowed down. 

“I was the one you always loved no matter what from the moment we met until now, right?! We went through so much, the both of us, but you were always only worried how it’d affect me! You never spared even one thought for yourself… And you— and you trusted me to take care of Nunnally even after we’d sworn to be enemies, after I had betrayed you, so why would you be gone now that things are finally getting better?!” 

He hugged himself, doubling over in the garden where the graves were, the farthest away from the palace. “Why are you allowed to die when your geass still forces me to live?! I— I wanted to die in your stead, or… or by your side, like an honourable knight should do…”

He screamed from the top of his lungs at nothing, letting his agony take over his actions. He knew this was the only day he could do so. Nunnally had left to spend some time with her few remaining living siblings and given the day off for everyone else in the palace. Lelouch’s and his tombstones were placed in the only garden Nunnally had taken for herself, only to make sure their graves would be next to each other and remain untouched. Suzaku was grateful for that. 

“Why does it hurt so much…?”

oOoOo

_ Suzaku shot the mask of Zero and watched in horror as it cracked and split into two, revealing Lelouch under it. It was like someone had punched him in the gut, although Suzaku wasn’t sure whether it was because he understood he hadn’t accepted the possibility of Lelouch being Zero and arrested him earlier when no one had yet died, or if it was because now he understood he’d tried to kill his best friend countless of times and, and how his best friend had killed Euphie — the one good thing in this cruel, horrible world.  _

_ He aimed his gun at Lelouch and saw the other do the same. Why it hurt so much later, he refused to understand. Kallen had already run away, he could do whatever he wanted with Lelouch and no one would bear witness. Lelouch shouted or possibly screamed his name in rage — Suzaku did the same.  _

_ He felt betrayed. _

_ Of course he’d then turned Lelouch in to his asshole of a father, betrayed Lelouch because he was hurt and let Charles erase Lelouch’s memories of everything he thought precious. He remembered Lelouch coming to  _ him _ , begging Suzaku to save and take care of Nunnally, the only light of his world, in his stead. He remembered Schneizel having his men come and take Lelouch away, making Lelouch believe Suzaku betrayed him once again. For some reason, Lelouch’s screams hurt Suzaku more than he would have wanted them to, more than he would ever even admit.  _

oOoOo

“If only we hadn’t betrayed each other, we’d still be on the same side…” Suzaku pressed the pocket of Zero’s outfit, surprised to hear paper crumbling there. A message. He was sure it hadn’t been there the day before. Or, maybe he was losing his mind, going insane for having killed Lelouch, the only other person besides Nunnally and Euphie he’d ever sworn to protect with his own life.

“And, I’m sure we would not know of the insanity and tragedy this doomed love gave us”, he said to no one in particular and hugged his chest. Suzaku tried to ignore the lump in his throat, not exactly crying anymore even if there were still tears spilling from the corners of his eyes. 

oOoOo

_ “You are the one and only person whose hands I will trust my life to from now on, Lelouch. I know I shouldn’t, but I will, because you are the last person I’ll ever serve as a knight again after all this”, he said and heard his best friend chuckle.  _

_ “I promise I will do my everything to keep that life safe until my last breath, then”, Lelouch said smiling, although it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “And I must say, after all the cruelties we’ve seen, after all the betrayals we’ve faced from one another, I still trust you more than anything. I trust you’ll take care of Nunnally once I die. Believe me, there’s nothing in this world that could waver the faith I have in you anymore. After all, you are my first friend, my one true friend, my best friend, and I’m certain you’ll be my last one, too.” _

_ Suzaku smiled and embraced the far too young emperor, only letting go out of surprise when he heard a quiet whisper of “I love you, Suzaku” escape his lips. _

_ “What did you just say? I’m not sure if I understood”, he said, flustered, and got to see Lelouch embarrassed, light blush now colouring his cheeks.  _

_ “I said, I love you, you idiot. I’m in love with you, Suzaku. I’ve gone and helplessly fallen in love with my best friend I can do exactly nothing about it”, he repeated, clearly embarrassed because of the situation, and turned his head to the side. He let his gaze fall to the ground, avoiding Suzaku’s eyes.  _

_ Suzaku blushed a bit more than Lelouch and smiled. “I love you too, Lelouch.” _

oOoOo

Suzaku started crying again at the memory of the confessions. “I was the one whose hands took it all from us, ending our tragic story. Even if it was what you asked me to do, I hate it”, he mumbled, tears flowing down his cheeks again. Suzaku was sure that the day when he could no longer cry for he’d have no tears left to shed would come. The same day would also be the one that told of him having gone mad from all the agony and sorrow, surely. 

oOoOo

_ “Suzaku,you have to kill me. You must promise, my friend.” _

_ “You’re going through with this? No matter what?” _

_ “As planned, the hatred of the whole world is directly upon me, and now the only thing that remains is to get rid of me and finally break the cycle of hatred. The legend of Zero isn’t dead. It lives within the hearts of the Black Knights. Schneizel will also serve Zero. With this, the world will gather not for an exchange of force but an exchange of open dialogue around one table. Mankind will be able to move forward into the future.” _

_ “And that…” _

_ “Yes, is the Zero Requiem.” _

_ Suzaku accepted the helmet Lelouch gave him, as well as the responsibility that came with it. He wasn’t completely sure why he did that, knowing as he hated it with every fiber of his being. He didn’t know why he did it because it pained him to know that he wouldn’t be able to spend the eternity with Lelouch, not even when they knew they both loved each other. Not even when they’d finally put their past mistakes behind them and embraced the short future they had together.  _

_ Not that he was surprised. Suzaku knew neither of them deserved a happy ending after everything that they had done. Neither deserved to get a happily ever after with the other.  _

oOoOo

“You are the one I still love so much, even as it pains me all over again”, he mumbled, sneering at his own pain. He let his shoulders drop in defeat, even the last bit of him that looked like Zero aside from the outfit fading away. He had no pride left, his prideful posture was long gone, and his tears had stained his cheeks completely. The outfit felt too tight, as though it was trying to choke and crush him. 

Suzaku felt the weight Lelouch had always carried with him but refused to share with Suzaku on his shoulders, felt the weight of the curse of being Zero finally set upon him. It would be harder than ever to keep his chin up from then on, to continue being the symbol of peace to all the people. 

What symbol of peace, he thought, I killed the one person I loved and wanted to be with. What kind of a symbol of peace does such thing? 

(A good one, when said person is hurting everyone else, he knew. Suzaku just refused to accept it as the truth.)

oOoOo

_ Suzaku ran past the bullets that were aimed at him, dodging each of them. He jumped over Jeremiah, using the man as his stepping stone. He faltered and glanced down at Nunnally who backed away from him as he got in front of her, but knowing they had to bring everything to its end, he continued and jumped over her.  _

_ He ran all the way to Lelouch who he was sure he saw smirking for just a second. He saw Lelouch take out his gun for the show but Suzaku hit it from his hand with a well aimed hit with his sword. He took his position, ready to pierce Lelouch’s heart, just like he had asked Suzaku to.  _

_ Oh god, he’d had to train for this so much. He didn’t want his hands to shake, he didn’t want to miss his target, because no matter what, Lelouch would be dying. The least Suzaku could do was to make it as quick and painless as possible.  _

_ He penetrated his friends, his lover’s, chest, going through his heart. He could feel it come out on the other side. Lelouch leant towards Suzaku and raised his bloodied hand to the helmet, placing it on Suzaku’s chin — or, where his chin would have been had the mask not been there. The pain Suzaku was going through for doing all this felt like someone had pierced his heart as well. That might have been less painful, too.  _

_ The punishment for what you’ve done shall be this then; you will live on, always wearing that mask, serving as a knight for justice and truth. You will no longer live your life as Kururugi Suzaku. You shall sacrifice the ordinary pleasures of your life for the benefit of the world, for eternity.”  _

_ Suzaku cried at Lelouch’s words, knowing they would be the last he would ever hear from his lover’s mouth ever again.  _

_ “This Geass I do solemnly accept, my first and dear friend.” He knew Lelouch heard the broken words he was only barely able to utter. _

_ Suzaku pulled his sword out of Lelouch’s chest who fell down the ramp, watching him slide it down to Nunnally. “I was the one you loved so much you trusted me to execute your tragic plan until the end”, he murmured, sneering sorrowfully at the word ‘execute’. First, it was the quietest while he had ever come to see, he was sure, but then it was like the world had jus exploded.  _

_ He watched as life left his best friend, the symbol of hatred, his lover. The crowd cheered for the death of the demon as well as their saviour, their messiah. Nunnally cried. It might have been the cruelest and most sorrowful moment he’d ever had to watch, even more so than when Lelouch had shot his own sister, Euphemia.  _

_ “Big brother!! It’s not fair! All I ever needed to be happy was to be with you! Big brother!  _ ** _Big brother_ ** _ !! How can I face the future without you?” The small girl wept, her screams breaking Suzaku’s heart, but he couldn’t go down and comfort her. He couldn’t, because he was her brother’s killer, he was Zero, and he was not supposed to fell any regret for killing the enemy of the entire world (he did). _

_ He was supposed to be Zero, the messiah that frees the world from its tendency for hatred. From the Demon Emperor Lelouch vi Britannia.  _

oOoOo

Suzaku stood up and bowed for Lelouch, his grave. one last time. He kneeled in front of Lelouch one final time before leaving. He would now abandon everything that was left from Kururugi Suzaku and truly become Zero, and Zero only. 

“Farewell, Your Majesty, farewell, my love. I wish the gods will let us be reborn and meet one another again, in a happier time”, he whispered as he turned and walked away. He opened the letter he’d found in his pocket and finally read it. 

The tiniest smile found its place on Suzaku’s face, even if it reflected the anguish of the boy way too young to go through this. He was sure Lelouch was watching over him from wherever he was. 

oOoOo

_ My dear Suzaku,  _

_ I believe I’m dead by the time you read this letter as I tried to make sure you wouldn’t find it when I was alive. I didn’t know if you would still follow through with our plan — or if I could follow through with it — if you happened to find it too early.  _

_ I’m glad you followed my wishes to the end even though I’m sure it was not easy. It wasn’t easy for me to let go of you and of us, of all that we finally had, not when I knew my love for you weren’t unrequited. Not when I knew I would have to bid my first friend adieu for good. If this letter can comfort you in the slightest, please read it whenever you’re feeling down.  _

_ Even so, the world has finally become a place where you, Nunnally and everyone else can live in peace. You won’t have to see another war come, you won’t need to kill anyone again. I wish you aren’t blaming yourself for what I asked you to do.  _

_ And, if you feel bad for betraying me, don’t. I forgive you — I have forgiven you a long time ago, so I hope you can forgive me as well.  _

_ Just, please, always remember that I love you. I have always loved you. I apologise for betraying and hurting you. I did my best to pay you and the world I wronged back for everything, although I doubt I succeeded. It was never truly my intention to hurt you.  _

_ I hope we’ll see each other again, if not when we’re alive, then in the afterlife. Maybe, just maybe there is a god out there that will grant that one wish for even the pathetic me who does not nor has ever deserved such blessings. Let us meet again in the next life, my love.  _

_ I’ll be watching over you from wherever I am now.  _

_ I love you.  _

_ Sincerely Yours,  _

_ Lelouch vi Britannia. _

oOoOo

_ Fight fear for the selfish pain _

_ It was worth it every time _

_ Hold still right before we crash _

_ ‘Cause we both know how this ends _

_ Our clock ticks till it breaks your glass _

_ And I drown in you again. _

_ ‘Cause you are the piece of me _

_ I wish I didn’t need _

_ Chasing relentlessly _

_ I still fight and I don’t know why _

_ If our love is tragedy, why are you my  _ ** _remedy_ ** _ ? _

_ If our love is insanity, why are you my  _ ** _clarity_ ** _ ? _

_ — Clarity, Zedd _

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this. 
> 
> I think this is actually one of my most emotionally loaded CG work? I might be wrong, but like, I did write this when I was still in an active post-ZR depression so... Yeah. It's full of my _own_ emotions. 
> 
> Do tell me what you thought of the story!


End file.
